What is Trauma Bonding? How to Identify and Manage It

Trauma bonding is a popular topic on social media platforms. Many people are fascinated by stories about a person being unable to leave their abuser, and such stories attract a lot of attention. However, sometimes, people confuse the term to mean becoming close to people with whom you share the same struggles as yourself. A person can say they are trauma bonding with friends over a certain problem, which is the wrong way of using this psychology term.

The main reason why this kind of relationship happens is due to the abuser’s desire for power due to their narcissistic nature. On the other hand, the victim of abuse is likely to have an unhealthy attachment. They can develop a trauma bond because they depend on their abuser to satisfy their emotional needs.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a term that refers to the emotional connection or attachment between a victim of abuse and their abuser. Dr. Patrick Carnes came up with this theory in 1997 to explain this unique relationship. The relationship between the abuser and the abused is characterized by a continuous cycle of abuse, love bombing, and belittling.

This phenomenon is not only present in romantic relationships. Rather, it can also exist in other types of relationships where there can be an imbalance of power, such as between leaders in community or religious groups, teachers, families, and colleagues.

Trauma bonding has commonly been used to explain why some people find it difficult to leave an abusive relationship. People who have been kidnapped, tortured, or sexually abused can also end up falling in love with their abuser and being unable to leave due to trauma bonding.

Stages of Trauma Bonding

There are several stages that trauma bonding goes through. It does not just happen instantly; rather, it is a gradual process. These are the stages:

1. Love Bombing

This is a manipulative technique that an abuser uses to create trust and dependence quickly in a relationship. This happens when the abuser displays affection towards their victim in an elaborate manner in an effort to make the other party believe that something good going on.

2. Reliance and Trust

The abuser works on gaining the dependence and trust of their partner. They achieve this through continuous validation and affection. By making them dependent, the abuser is able to control the abused’s behaviors and choices. At this stage, the abused can try to gauge whether the abused is loyal to them. Additionally, if the victim tries to find out the abuser’s intentions, the abuser will make them feel guilty for not trusting them.

3. Belittling and Disapproval

The abuser belittles and criticizes their victim to make them hate themselves. Earlier, in the first stage, the abuser had begun by praising their victim and at this stage they graduate to abusing them. The victim begins to long for the approval they used to get.

4. Gaslighting and Manipulation

As the trauma bonding gets stronger, the abuser takes things a notch higher by doing gaslighting and manipulation. At this stage, the abuser manipulates the abused with the aim of making the victim think they are the crazy one and not their abuser.

5. Addiction

The abused becomes emotionally addicted to the nice treatment they are given after abuse. The abused may even think they can control their abuser’s behavior because they are aware that by being timid and apologizing they will appease their abuser.

6. Loss of sense of self

The abused loses their sense of self. At this stage, they have been through different types of abuse, which makes them lose all the boundaries they ever had before. They can even become suicidal.

7. Resignation and submission

The abused complies to make the abuser happy and avoid confrontations. The abused feels exhausted and experiences burnout that diminishes their ability to fight back. The fatigue pushes them to become resigned and more receptive of the trauma bond. At this point, they have low self-esteem, and they don’t think there is a way out.

The Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

If you are the one having an unhealthy relationship, it might be difficult for you to notice the signs. Here are the signs that show someone is dealing with trauma bonding.

Difficulty walking away or staying far from your abuser: The emotional attachment makes it hard to leave or stay away from your abuser.
Being emotionally attached to an abuser even though you are being hurt: You constantly think about the abuser even when you have left.
Taking the abuser’s side in an argument: You can begin to make excuses for your abuser’s hurtful actions and downplay their abuse. You empathize with your abuser and try to understand why they do the things they are doing to you. For example, they could have been victims of abuse when they were younger, and you can rationalize that they don’t know any better.
Social isolation: Your abuser or partner slowly keeps you away from your loved ones to ensure you don’t have a support system.
Self-blame: You might feel guilty and blame yourself for not leaving the relationship.
Having low self- esteem as well as experiencing identity problems: You feel reliant on your abuser, and you want to make them happy.
You go through a cycle of trauma bond and abuse: Your abuser’s behavior oscillates between affection and abuse, which makes you long for validation when the affection stops.
You are hypervigilant and constantly fearing threats: You are always alert and always observing the abuser’s mood to avoid rubbing them the wrong way and sparking a conflict.
Hoping that things will get better: You may have hope that your abuser will change for the better, especially if you become understanding, patient, and loving.

How Trauma Bonding Affects Mental Health

Trauma bonding triggers various biological processes. During trauma bonding, the brain produces oxytocin, which is a love hormone. It is the same hormone that fills the brain during romantic moments.

Some of the factors that cause trauma bonding are;

Cognitive dissonance

When a person who claims to love you also harms you, it causes a powerful mental conflict.

Neurobiological changes

Severe stress due to constant abuse can change brain chemistry. Going through abuse causes the body to produce excess cortisol, which can trigger hypertension, anxiety, and ruin the immune system.

How to Prevent and Manage Trauma Bonding

You can prevent falling victim to trauma bonding by:

Practicing self-love: Avoid relying on others for love.
Enforcing rigid boundaries: Be specific about the behaviors you will entertain and those that you will not and ensure that you communicate this articulately to your partner.
Knowing what real love is: This way, you will be able to recognize love bombing and remove yourself from the situation. You should know that real love grows gradually and it is consistent and makes you feel safe.

Steps to Healing

Healing occurs in several stages, which include;

Facing Reality: Note down, in an objective way, how the abuse usually plays out. Include details like actual actions and dates.
Prioritize safety: If you want to leave a dangerous situation, plan ahead. This includes keeping important documents safe and finding a safe place to live.
Avoid any contact with your abuser: Block the abuser on email addresses, social media accounts, and contacts. Be aware, they might try to lure you back with false promises. Don’t fall for them.
Mental shift: Stop believing they can change.
Find support systems: Regain communication with family and friends.

Treatment Options

Treatment options for trauma bonding include:

A Psychiatric Assessment

A mental health practitioner can perform an intense psychiatric examination to establish your behavior, emotions, and thoughts. It helps in diagnosing mental conditions like PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

Medical Treatment

This method entails getting the right psychiatric medication prescription from a practitioner to assist in balancing your mood, mitigating symptoms, and achieving stable mental health.

Lifestyle transformation

This treatment method is about making lifestyle changes to improve your mental health. This involves things like reducing stress, exercising, and getting a better diet and sleep. To recover, you also need to recognize the weaknesses that kept you attached to your abuser, regain your self-worth, and learn healthier ways to associate with others.

Professional Therapy

There are proven therapies that can help a trauma bond victim heal, including;

Group therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT)

Conclusion

Trauma bonding means the act of being emotionally attached to someone who is abusing you. In some cases, it can result in suicidal ideation. It makes a victim lose their sense of self, have low self-esteem, and abandon their values and boundaries.

The first step to recovering from this phenomenon is to recognize that you are trauma-bound, and then taking action towards extricating yourself from this unpleasant situation. Mental health practitioners can help you walk through the journey of healing and reclaiming your self-esteem and self-identity.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who is at risk of becoming a victim of trauma bonding?

Some people are more susceptible to trauma bonding due to their present or past experiences. Vulnerable groups include childhood trauma survivors, those with insecure attachment styles, habitual self-critics, the socially isolated, and the financially dependent. Also, those who have had antisocial or narcissistic partners in the past are prone to being trauma-bound.

Why is it so hard to detangle yourself from a trauma bond?

The fact that the abuser mixes affection and abuse conditions the victim to think that things will get better. This manipulation causes dependency and makes you fear leaving.

How can I tell whether I am in a trauma bond?

You will experience various signs, such as being aware that you are dealing with a hurtful relationship, thinking you are to blame for the abuse, justifying the abuse, and being unable to walk away even when you are unhappy.

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What Is Trauma Bonding? How To Identify and Manage It

What is Trauma Bonding?